If I Did It: Confessions of the Sith by Jar-Jar Binks
by ResultsOfMonopoly
Summary: If future generations read this work, I have no doubt they will see the dark side of the force from a new perspective. For many years I studied under this most powerful creature. He is my savior, and a companion that has given me an appreciation for the true nature of the force. He is a master of deceit and strategy. Tyrannus was J. J.-it's true. -Sheev Palpatine
1. Did Anyone Notice?

Meesa thinkin' I dispose with this ludicrous accent right from the start. You may not believe it, but I can actually speak with the common tongue. I was born among the Gungans, but I was exceptionally smart. I know what you're thinking (no really, I do-ooooo-haha I dooo!)-there is no way that "Jar Jar Binks" could write a book, much less write or even speak in the common tongue, or even be smart. However, like any Sith master, I know very well how to play dumb and manipulate people. Let me make one thing perfectly clear before I get too far: "Jar Jar Binks" is dead-I am Darth Tyrannus now, and anyone who _really_ knew me (Sidius, Grievous, some droids, Ben, Anakin, blah blah) knew that. So allow me to invite you to examine my short publicly-known career: I went from outcast, to Gungan general, to Naboo Senator in a _very_ short time, while I had already been rather preoccupied planning and then executing a massive false flag operation against myself under false identity (Dooku) all to gain power, and, it worked. A wise man once said, "there is no such thing as luck." But no one could be that smart, right? For years I thought that one day I would be found out. I was sure that someone, perhaps even Anakin, would expose me. When I had to say something "smart" to push people in the right direction when subtlety or mockery was not an option, I usually mind-tricked someone else into saying it for me. However, there were times when I said something actually "normal" outside of the jester character. Those moments were truly a test of my mastery of fear (more about that later). Some of the history and witnesses make that clear.

Now, I've already made more that one probably-shocking assertion, so I am going to have to take a step back and explain some stuff. I am very old. Sidius and I grew up together-well, to be more accurate, Sheev and Jar Jar grew up together (on Naboo), which resulted in them being killed/overcome by Sidius and I. Just to be clear, I was Jar Jar only in the sense that Sidius was Sheev, that is in a physical sense, which really isn't significant in TNOF (True Nature of the Force). But beyond that, let's just say that Sidius and I grew up together on Naboo. If you know much about Naboo, it is a place of dichotomies (artificial division between two sets of interpretations). There is one stupid society (Gungan) that doesn't believe in manners, and another stupid society that cares for nothing but manners (the non-Gungans, or "the Naboo" as those racists prefer to call themselves even though we are from Naboo too) to such a degree that they have no army. Being "the smart Gungan" both of these societies made me nauseous, and I sought refuge in what I now know is called "transcendental meditation." In other words, I sat quietly and listened to the woods, the water, the animals, and whatever supernatural stuff I didn't realize I was hearing/sensing yet. During this time period, I encountered the force as well as some beings without any supervision or structured tradition. This freed me up to unlock some really nasty cans of "poodoo," as well as some unique abilities that honestly, I haven't see anyone else master in my lifetime. I take pride in this. I take pride in my pride too. What are you going to do about it?

Let me tell you a little something about transcendental meditation. Anyone can do it, but not everyone should. There are really powerful "ascended masters" (angels, spirits, and probably other beings that pretend that they are your friends or dead friends) who are not to be trifled with. The power of these beings is not in their physique, or even in their use of the force. It is in their use of INFORMATION. This is where technology meets spirituality. Let me take a pause here-this is really important. I can't emphasize enough that there are physics of the other planes, and they are completely progressed unlike the Jedi or other people banging rocks together to try to figure out how the force works. I'll try to explain this for you as best as I can with my "primitive" Gungan brain: sentient beings (more or less mentally self-aware usually-humanoid lifeforms like "the Naboo," various Monarchs and Democratic Republicans, and I suppose Gungans) have been developing technology for many, many years, and if you go way back in history, you'll notice a pattern: material stages, travel stages, and information stages. Once a society gets to the first information stage (programmable computers) they can suddenly grow all three types of tech _way_ faster. However, the other planes already have all of the toys. Why do you think lightsabers are a thing? They are interplanar conduits just like force users themselves. This type of tech is imbedded in the other planes in a much more powerful and durable (multidimensional) form. Mortal beings are the only ones who have to start out from scratch. Information and tech is already programmed as part of the universe and lifeforms, and I'm sure that there is some sort of creator (though some may say I'm proof of unintelligent design) who wants to destroy me and has a plan to end my reign of terror, and probaby just keeps me any my cabal alive to teach the rest of you some sort of cosmic lesson to help you get to paradise. Barring that topic, I can tell you, the use of information is key to understanding TNOF and also to manipulating beings that have a resistance to force manipulation.

Also during this time, I got to know Sidius. He was a self-promoting teen in civics clubs and I was a totally uneducated teen, so we got along really well. Telling me the difference between words that are spelled the same, this and that rock, or hazardous man-made substance made him feel really good about himself, and also made me feel good about myself, so we got along really well, as I said. What interested us both were local bookstores. Local bookstores have all the hidden knowledge that the ruling class (yeah, whether you're in a monarchy or democratic republic there is most likely a ruling class) does not want you to know. Sometimes they even end up with cultic books earned by powerful dead guys who were not supposed to release certain information. I learned about tons of neat stuff but what helped me the most in what we on the "dark side" now call TNOF was fiction, believe it or not. Fiction is where I learned I could be someone else. This was intriguing. Gungans don't spend much time writing anything but diagrams and flowcharts (and a minimal symbology designed to promote tech, commerce, and navigation but sure not philosophy), so there really isn't any Gungan "fiction" other than bizarre oral tales that are probably true anyway. I not only learned to talk like "the Naboo" (racists), but I was also fascinated by the authors themselves. These people were able to create entire worlds in their minds, and often the people that read them lived them out to one degree or another. This is when I first toyed with the idea that I could create my own society (the one you now live in more or less, cheers).

Sidius and I didn't always get along. When I told him, in my words, "I think I am using a new kind of force," he didn't believe it at first. Most people didn't know anything about the Sith or Plagueis back then, and many people thought that the dark side or those people were fictional, and that no one could be that "bad" (that was of course a weakness on their part). So naturally, he thought that in order to use the force you had to be trained by a master and be attuned to the force from birth (later, he and I made up the whole midi-chlorian thing and created the company that sold that stupid detection software-more on that moronic adventure later), and the force had to choose you. Well, part of that is true. The force or some powerful being has to choose you, or you're not going to have much success with the force. What Sidius didn't realize at the time was that the dark side can choose people, not just living Sith/Jedi masters. When I showed him the way I used the force (acting out natural fear reactions to deceive and confuse), he at first always got mad, and thought that I was making fun of the force, and then for a while, that I was making fun of him. I didn't know he was studying under Plagueis. After all, why would he tell anyone? During this time, I did enjoy making him mad. Even then I realized I was leading him deeper into the dark side. He thanked me later.

When I first used the force, I thought it was an accident. I got buzzed by a Vabwa (Gungan word for a huge dragonfly-like thing-the word is probably onomatopoeia, as in invented by someone who made that sound when one buzzed them-most colloquial Gungan words are like that). I like to call it a B-Wing. My first thought was at it would eat my brain. That is an irrational fear by the way-they don't really eat brains. They usually eat larvae (close enough in my case at the time, since I still had a low view of myself, being a soon-to-be political mastermind yet stuck with a Gungan's body and instincts). I was hunting at the time. I wasn't using the force or anything, I was stuck with a Gungan spear. Yea, that's how it was back then. I threw my spear straight up-as in broad side, not pointy part-toward where the B-Wing was. It was so fast it was already heading back at me by then. It ran right into the point of my spear-true story. There must have been just enough space between the "B-Wing" and the stump over which it was about to pass (about the length of the spear), because the next thing I saw when I turned around was a "B-Wing" skewered and posted like a bent sign sticking out of the stump. I knew I had tapped into the force. By this time I knew some of the supposed Jedi stuff from books, but this was different. I knew that they didn't use fear. I didn't consciously realize at the time, but this was they key to mastering the force within a Gungan body. What I did realize is that all this had to be secret.


	2. Mastery of Fear

OK, now, I am going to talk about some stuff that doesn't sound completely practical unless you _truly_ understand the dark side / TNOF, no I'm going to be very literal in my explanations without going too deep into philosophy, Darth Plagueis, jargon, blazé blah. This is my style. You may have a different style. Don't judge my methods, because I changed the face of your galaxy while you were running around in circles chasing every phantom but the true menace to your pathetic dreamworld of disarmament, face painting, and confetti (that is litter by the way-you moralizing fools). Let's get back to the point. FEAR.

Doesn't that word just strike you like lightning? I dare you to say it-FEAR!

Let me tell you, fear is not an enemy to mastering the force unless you are trying to be a Jedi. Besides, most successful Jedi did not follow the old teachings anyway (Luke, Ben, or even Yoda really). What even successful Jedi lacked was mastery of fear. Fear must be inhaled and exhaled like air. This may sound confusing or metaphysical but it is not. It can like other feelings be used to interface to other planes which are just as real as yours.

Understanding my own fear is my greatest strength. Let me repeat that-my _greatest strength_. My apprentices are great at using fear, but let's face it, they often paint targets on their backs. I am not saying it doesn't work for Sidius and anyone else who is good at the political stuff, don't get me wrong. I am just saying that for anyone who is going to be focusing on invisibly pulling strings as their method of controlling situations, you can get away without dishing out fear if you can "eat it". This may sound a little crude, and now you may be thinking, "Gungan using eating metaphors, what a surprise," but let me assure you this is not a Gungan thing, it is a TNOF thing.

Using fear was a unique ability, and changed me ("poisoned" me in Jedi terms). The first time I met Plagueis (again, not really the dead guy) was in a vision a few years later. Plagueis is one of those tricky spirits. This guy was _not_ my mentor. Far from it. He told me some stuff I could have figured out myself in order to try to get me to build his society, but I wouldn't have it. I already had my own ideas of what society should be, and how to achieve my goals. Seriously though, if this guy shows up in your visions, just get a fluoride treatment or whatever will numb your sixth sense, or find God, because this guy it not your friend and not helpful no matter what he says. Like most ascended masters, he is not really a person. He infested some poor victim who became "Darth Plagueis" at one time, but he is and always has been one of the ancient ones, created with his own dark star somewhere in the universe and is not to be trifled with. I know this is not fit any standard teachings of Jedi or Sith, but this is my view, and considering what I achieved by acting on my beliefs, my beliefs seem to match reality pretty well.


	3. Mastery of Identity

So who am I really? Gungan gone "bombad?" Tyrannus? Even Plagueis maybe? I'll explain my own point of view of myself, which should be good enough for you unless you choose to judge me, or even just think I'm wrong, a view to which you're entitled. Whether you feel entitled or not you may still be wrong. You might be thinking that if the spirit Plagueis visited me, that surely I am the new Darth Plagueis and am carrying out his will. Maybe it's true, but currently I don't believe that (and never have) and I'll tell you why. I have always had to define myself by what I'm not, not by a prepackaged set of interpretations or by a master force user.

When Sidius killed Plagueis, he was 17 and I was 13. This was the first time he told me that he was a Sith. You can imagine how mad I was. Not only did I realize how bad I was at second sight (by not knowing all this), but also realized that he had access to a Sith master the whole time I was banging bugs together to figure out how the dark side works, all the while telling him how great I was. I didn't even realize then how embarrassed I was. It all came out in anger. Whenever I thought about it too much, I told him how much of a fool he was by killing a Sith master and how Darth Plagueis could have been a valuable resource to us, since we are both into politics. However, over time he convinced me that Plagueis was weak, and that killing him proved it, and was the only way to advance himself in the dark side. We decided we did not need masters, and instead would discover the power of the dark side / TNOF together. Although, at times I'm sure either he or I thought about being or having been the master at times, and that the path of being equals was a way of manipulating the other. You can think what you want. He eventually determined that I was the master, though he never really liked the idea of overt master-padawan relationships, as giving too much definition to things could hinder the effectiveness of SOD ("the shroud of the dark side"), which I will explain later.

When I was in mid adolescence before I tried messing with the Gungan society, I thought of myself as the Jester. I didn't really use physical force techniques, but I did use misdirection and mind tricks pretty early on. My main way of preventing people from seeing me as dark side (which was initially successful until I expanded my methods) was to make a joke out of everything. I mocked people I hated, and made some witty comment whenever someone criticized me. This made me invincible to confrontation. no one could seduce me to the light, or even tell me I was wrong about anything. This remains true today, and is essential to the dark side, especially for secret operations.

When Plagueis came to me, he already knew about my ideas for a new society. He knew about my interest in politics, and he knew some stuff either from the force or from Sidius about my abilities to deceive and apparently had some idea of my potential. The one thing he told me that was somewhat useful is that I had to kill Jar Jar and become Darth Tyrannus. My personal view is that I am one with Tyrannus and that Tyrannus is an ancient being. Some people could say that Plagueis was tricking me, and that I am really one with Plagueis but I would have to disagree. Also, I'll clarify that the empire redacted any documents or videos that connected me to Tyrannus/Dooku, and that as far as history you've been taught (thanks to Sidius and I), Dooku was a former Jedi and actually believed in the Separatist movement. Let me assure you though, Dooku was only an alias, and I constructed the separatist movement. If you look back, it makes way more sense than mainstream (redacted) history.

Sidius was the only person who ever claimed that Dooku was killed by Anakin. Anakin obviously didn't know Sidius was saying this to people until Anakin joined Sidius and was willing to perpetuate the cover story. The story was eventually sensationalized into a fight between Anakin and Dooku where Dooku was killed. When Anakin and Obi-Wan "rescued" Sidius from Grievous and I, Sidious was actually meeting with us in secret and needed an excuse, so capture was the best and most obvious excuse we could generate. Before ship started breaking up, was already in an escape pod. Obi-Wan and Anakin never saw me. I told Sidious that I foresaw the outcome, and told him to tell Obi-Wan and Anakin that I was in the rear section of the ship. Everyone assumed I was dead, so that was the end of Dooku. I went into hiding for a long time, until people forgot that I was Dooku. Sidious made sure the records indicated that Dooku died. That helped people forget I was Dooku, after a generation-since he was "dead" and I was alive.


	4. The Shroud of the Dark Side

My first political experiment was with the Gungans, and it was messy, and obviously didn't work. In late adolescence, I realized I could use my powers against anyone I wanted, assuming they were stupid. However, as it turns out, I assumed they were stupid too often. During this time other Gungans knew me as a clown (though Jester is more accurate, as the term comes from cultic/deceitful/mystical paths), so they weren't surprised that I seemed "clumsy." As I continued on my path, I continued to be a Jester, but allowed my fear-eater technique to be more publicly visible. I made two major mistakes-the first was simply that I was a little old to suddenly become "clumsy," realistically. The second was not so much about how I accomplished my goals, but what I did. Sometimes people looked at me funny or got instantly mad, because it was just too obvious that my "mistakes" were accomplishing my goals such as getting back at someone, getting out of work, or various other goals I had. Once started trying this act on leaders and eventually Boss Nass, that's when my whole world came crashing down. I was successful in embracing hate, but not so much at deceiving them or acquiring power. This is when I was exiled.

Over the years, Jedi visited Naboo from time to time. After all, the whole galaxy admires "the Naboo" (the racists, not the Gungans) for their disarmament, and yet ironically bring weapons when they come to protect them or help with disaster relief. Once I was exiled, I spend much of my time alone, but I started getting more serious about taking out the Jedi Order. I always hated them with their self-inflicted monasticism and restrictions on what parts of the force were good and what parts were bad, but now I was really mad. I was of course mad at myself, but I wouldn't have admitted that at the time. I still was in denial about being found out, and told myself that Boss Nass and the others didn't kick me out because they were smart, but because they were stupid and thought I was clumsy. I knew better by the time had my second face-to-face encounter with a Jedi (Qui-gon was the third). I don't even remember the guy's name for sure, but I pestered the daylights out of him. I know I am really on the dark side when I can't even remember the name of someone from an otherwise memorable encounter. One thing I realized was that he should have known that I was on the dark side, and known the future about me. I know Jedi (except maybe Yoda) don't easily know everyone's future, but I thought to myself, "Surely he should know…" about me being exiled from my entire race and everything. This is when I discovered the weakness of the Jedi.

Darth Sidius was not impressed that I got kicked out of my entire race and exposed my powers to some degree, and he upset that he could be exposed as well. This is when we started taking even stronger measures to keep our connection a secret. We never talked in public. We would still walk together sometimes, but not usually alone and we wouldn't talk until we got where we were going. Looking back, if you were around at the time or know the details of went on in political chambers leading up to the Clone Wars, you can see even up until then we were together a lot. We usually told each other minor stuff by telling other people. Some people thought we were abrasive and stating the obvious or being condescending, but we don't care about that kind of thing anyway and that's how we sent each other signals. Regardless, he was impressed that I discovered the weakness of the Jedi and this is when we really started thinking it was time to get involved in exopolitics. I think this is when he first started seeing me as his superior.


	5. The Midi-chlorian Scam

By the time we were in our twenties, we were rather knowledgeable in politics. We were both well read, and though my experiences were limited due to the simplicity of Gungan society and my failure to infiltrate government, we had some ideas. We knew that to acquire power one had to acquire money. We also knew that the real money in politics lies in forcing people to buy from you or from your secret partnerships. Whenever there is a legitimate need for a product, such as a safety product, you insert yourself or your secret partnership as the sole or most trusted provider for the product, even if your product is garbage, by any means necessary. If there is not a legitimate need for a product, you invent a need and then make it legally required. We tried this a few times and managed to market some safety products. During this time, our plan was for Sidious to be the respectable one (politically visible), and for me to be the secret partner, more or less visible in the commercial realm though usually under pseudonyms like "Jester Wampa" or "Chief Feareater". The (dry footed racist) "Naboo people" thought Gungans all looked alike anyway, so this worked out well. I also got much better at staying in character and developing fake voices to hide my identity. Doing this for so long made it second nature to me.

After a couple years we had a great idea. I don't remember who thought of it first, because both Sidious and I riffed off of one another. We were hanging out at a weird bar near a spaceport and we started talking about all the junk that the Jedi believe and often just make up on the spot aside from and sometimes disregarding truths that come from actual recorded or orally-retold events. We started talking about where the force comes from. We talked about how the standard model always tries to paint everything as natural evolution on this plane, with no other planes directly involved. When we were talking about that, one of us said, "then what's the force?" Well, since we couldn't convince anyone that the beings on both light and dark planes had tech, we thought of a ridiculous biological excuse for the force. "You see, there are these tiny living creatures inside you, and the more you have, the more connected you are with the force." We laughed so hard. But then Sidious said, "I bet the Jedi would believe that!"

Then there was a pause, and I said, "How much?"

He went, "What?"

Then I responded, "How much do you want to bet the Jedi would buy that?" Then he made some comment about buying a mitochondrial inspector and just went from there. We came up with some believable name for the creatures that live in your cells, the same way people come up with the name of a band. We obsessed over that detail for several days unfortunately. We eventually came up with Midi-chlorian because it sounds powerful like mitochondria but also sounds like chlorine which is dangerously whitewashed like the Jedi's view of the force. We were already good at marketing, and we were tenuously excited that we could actually pull one over on the Jedi council. We knew that we could stay hidden under SOD, as long as we didn't screw up. However, just to make sure we weren't putting all of our eggs in one basket we ran this through a different capitalist front operation this time (instead of me which had up to this point been the usual). We spend a good portion of the extra money we "earned" up to this point because we had to get software and hardware made. We let the hardware guys do the marketing. However, it wasn't that expensive, because after all it was fake.

The Jedi council is filthy rich and always get monetary gifts for their relief efforts and useless humanitarian and arbitrary military interventions, so they don't care about money. We pretty much could name our price (within reason, but beyond the reason of most common peasants and minor dictators). We had to make sure that the thing ran from the cloud so that the Jedi couldn't inspect our code and be revealed that way. We had our people (all from mentally force resistant races) hide that detail. We operated on some old radio frequencies, and everything was encrypted, so it could be written off as electronic noise. In addition to making tons of money, we could have some sway over whom the Jedi trained and did not. In most cases they didn't pay much attention to the results and used their own abilities to determine whom to train. The readings the device gave were usually random, but we tried a few times over the years to lead them away from people who were a threat to us or lead them toward people who would benefit us. As it turns out, Anakin was the only one that we (I) really needed.


	6. False Flag Operations and The Empire

I'll try to briefly explain more about the Separatist movement and how exactly we did it, because this really has to be explained in order to convince anyone that my side of the story is true. First of all, Sidious and I were very good at second sight now, and could see the future of the dark side to a fair degree. Plagueis made some appearances, but both Sidious and I tried not to pay much attention to that. We focused on using our second sight and our roles to gain real political power.

Like most societies that go bad, the common people need someone to hate in order to be mobilized to military action. At the very least, they (most people) need to be convinced that they are acting in self-defense in order to kill with impunity. We had plenty of money, and we noticed that the trade federation cared about nothing else. I was not particularly fond of Gunray, since he tried to take over Naboo. I was never that loyal to either of the Naboo societies, but hey, it's my planet, what can I say. There is no way I was going to throw away all my time spent developing my own style of force use just to be a slave to some moronic interplanetary peddler. Let me say this, of all the people I fooled into thinking I was an idiot, it was fooling him that satisfied me the most, after what he did (the invasion of Naboo).

By the time the the invasion started, Sidious and I were pretty involved with exopolitics, though I was of course the phantom, involved in the spiritual aspect of the campaign. When we found out Qui-Gon was coming to Naboo, I knew that I could use this guy. He was not that smart, and he was in charge. I now knew from my mistakes with Boss Nass how to handle a guy that was not that smart and was in charge. This was my chance to redeem myself. I was a master at both misdirection (acting) and force manipulation now, and this was looking like the opportunity to get really big in exopolitics. The force allowed us to know fairly precisely when and where Qui-Gon was arriving. Some might think that if I really am the creature formerly known as "Binks" and I really am not an idiot, that I would be ashamed of my time spent with Qui-Gon and not want to talk about it. However, the opposite is true. From a dark side point of view, I completely won the psychological battle with this not-that-smart Jedi. There were some times when Obi-Wan sensed that something was eluding them, and the droids seemed wary upon seeing that I was able to work on pod racers, or stuff in the engine room of their Nubian (messing with the hyperdrive and trying to figure out how to contact Sidious and Maul discreetly). Clearly though, that part of the operation was a success as we got Anakin. Even though Amidala's return was delayed by Maul's failure to take out Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in their first encounter, even that turned out well, since everyone assumed that Maul was the phantom and that after his defeat there was no more phantom (except perhaps the Sith among them).

As soon as I became a senator I knew what to do. I had already had thorough experience playing "the other Gungan" since people are too racist to tell us apart. That is when I started working as Dooku. In case you need a reminder, Dooku was _never_ human, he was Gungan. That was redacted-security logs and even footage were edited to make Dooku appear to be a human. If you really look though, you will see that neither the footage nor the backstory of him being a Jedi make any sense whatsoever. Regardless, I was Dooku, and started the Separatist movement. There were plenty of people who hated the racist and inefficient senate by now, so they were willing to take almost any alternative. Ben Kenobi did see me with them once, and ended up fighting (and failing to defeat) me, but he was in hiding for years during the redaction and then died, and the Jedi and (racist dry foot) Naboo politicians were scattered or killed. This is why no one ever payed much attention. No one really cared about the Gungans anyway, much less which Gungan was part of a small and short-lived separatist movement that was artificially created to create an arms race (making us more rich and this time armed). The Jedi basically assumed that I was really Dooku and that Jar Jar was the alias anyway. This just made it all the more confusing for any resistors and worked to my favor.


	7. Epilogue

Several decades ago now as you probably know (unless you are living underwater or something) Sidious died, but not before thoroughly enjoying this autobiography and writing the forward. I believe his spirit lives on forever in the lower planes. As you may know, this eventually allowed me to make my return to the senate on Hosnian Prime in the New Republic. More recently I have become involved in something called The First Order, which is even more disconnected from me than my previous phantom operations.

I feel as though my life has been a success, so I don't really care who knows any of this stuff now. Most of my life I have taken pleasure in getting the better of people, but now in my old age, and with Leia basically running the Galaxy, the only guilty pleasure I have left is telling everyone...I won. I was disappointed for a long time that Anakin was loyal to Sidious and couldn't be persuaded otherwise, but in the end, I chose him and he did eventually kill Sidious. In some ways it was a shame, but I don't really care anymore. I am rich and live how I want and they didn't interfere with my life, so consider this my retirement from both the Senate and the TNOF movement. I am still loyal to TNOF in a way, but I no longer feel the need to be involved. Everyone has always done everything for me anyway, and I have to do less and less to get people's wheels spinning, so I consider my work in the galaxy to be finished. Bye bye!


End file.
